


Lonely Days

by DontWantToSayGoodbye



Category: God's Own Country (2017)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Life Changes, M/M, being alone, time to think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-19
Updated: 2019-06-19
Packaged: 2020-05-14 19:19:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19279510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DontWantToSayGoodbye/pseuds/DontWantToSayGoodbye
Summary: Canon timeframe story about Johnny from when Gheorghe left for Scotland.I do not own these characters and no copyright infringement is intended.  I have used a few lines of dialogue from the original canon owned and credited to Francis Lee.





	Lonely Days

**Lonely Days**

“We’ll manage”, he huffed as he quickly exited the kitchen.

\-----

Johnny’s memories of last night were cloudy to say the least.  He had felt like regaining some control of his life and evidently this had caused Gheorghe to leave.  He was still an independent man, grown up enough to make his own decisions.   The last week with Gheorghe around had been OK in his mind, but like most good things in his life he knew it was not going to last.  Yeah, that sounded like self pity but why not wallow in it, he had lots of practice on that front.  He had played down everything that was happening around him, all the changes he was feeling inside.  Going along for the ride...he knew it would be short so why not enjoy it while he could.  But the ride had felt good, better than any he had taken in his recent memory... maybe it could go on for a few extra miles and so he had stupidly, so very stupidly, broached the subject of maybe Gheorghe staying longer...longer than just an extension to his current contract, maybe something sweet as he had described it.  Gheorghe seemed to initially smile he thought, maybe he was not such a fool after all, but then Gheorghe started asking questions, trying to make more of something than was being offered, making it all much more complicated than he wanted it to be. ~~~~

Johnny took it as rejection, not knowing how to deal with anything bigger or more complicated than a simple yes.   Well...beer, shots and whatever else would solve this dilemma in his mind.

A blow job in the loo stall with Robyn’s friend, physically felt like nothing but in his haziness it felt like proper retribution to Gheorghe’s rejection, and a re-grounding of his life as it should be, as it had always been.

_Where did he go?  Fuck it._

The drive home was even more vague in his memory, though he did remember yelling “ _What are ya doing?_ ” and Gheorghe charging at him with both fists and words...words he had no idea what they meant but the intended meaning was clear enough nonetheless.  He watched as Gheorghe faded off into the distance, his form outlined by some distant lights, until it just blurred into the darkness.

_Fuck it.  Asshole._

His buzz was still going strong but for some reason he had an intense pain in his stomach...normally that did not happen till the next morning.  He clumsily rubbed his hands on his belly hoping that would help.

He had headed straight for his bedroom when he finally got home, stumbling through the dark house, bumping into furniture and making more noise than he wanted to.  The pain in his stomach had become an intense sharp jab.  He tumbled into his bed fully dressed, gladly accepting the darkness that crept across his mind and eyes.

 _Fuck’in asshole...he can fuck off...faggot_.  These were his last waking thoughts, though his mind struggled with the last word, as if it was not correctly expressing the rage towards Gheorghe that rattled through his head.

He woke up with a blistering headache, mouth parched, desperate for a piss...nothing he was not used to.  The pain in his stomach had subsided and luckily he did not feel like throwing up.  His mind was empty of any thoughts...nothingness felt good.

Fumbling down the small stairs into the kitchen he yanked at the refrigerator door and grabbed the quart of milk, quickly opening it and pouring it right from the container into his dry mouth.  The sensation of the cold milk flowing down his throat felt relieving.  Nan was mumbling something in the background as she wiped the counter...seemingly wiping the same place over and over.  He caught “I’m guessing you had summat to do with it”, and something about what were they going to do now.

He had managed so far, had managed to somehow keep the farm afloat these last few years...OK, maybe half afloat...he could continue, he was not shy of hard word, the weather, the loneliness...bleakness...sadness...

The fuckin’ sharp pain was back in his stomach.

The beasts needed to be fed.

\-----

The first few days were easy, just put your head down to the grindstone and get the work done.  He had little time to wallow now, things needed to get done.  Despite Gheorghe being gone, Johnny was not so stupid as to forget some of the suggestions he had made, such as the antiseptic to help the sheep, and other small things, and he focused on getting those and trying to make things on the farm a little bit better.  Summer was approaching and there was no shortage of things that needed fixin’ and mendin’, animals had to be moved around to different pastures, and there would be the busy auction season about to come.

Thoughts of Gheorghe flitted into his mind at times, mostly causing anger and a torrent of curse words, sometimes mumbled, other times unspoken.  Oddly, that pain in his stomach seemed to come back then also...sometimes lasting a few minutes, other times it seemed like a few hours till it subsided.  He wondered if he was getting appendicitis...could one be getting appendicitis?

The first night after Gheorghe left he did not go down to the pub, he grabbed a pack of beers from the refrigerator and headed out to the barn.  Flopping onto a bale of hay with some stacked bales behind to lean against, he cracked open a can and guzzled it straight down, quickly opening another can.  He was in no mood to be around people and had absolutely no interest in sex of any kind.  Alone, the quickly consumed beer started to relax his tense body, and his mind focused.

_What an arsehole...who does he think he is just packing up and running off like that...no fuckin’ work ethic.  What one would expect from these wandering immigrant types...fuckin’ gypos._

A quick sharp pain in his stomach...he shifted a bit on the hay, and cracked open another beer.  Was that 3? or 4?, who was keeping count, who needed to keep count...

_Lots to do on the farm, tomorrow have to fix that fence on the high pasture, Dad wants me to start blocking off the paddock, move the sheep herd to a lower pasture..._

He let his eyes close and he took a deep breath, and this time his mind wandered to places he did not want it to go...to the feeling of a warm body next to his, to gentle touches from a man’s rough hands, to lips pressed tight into each other, arms and legs clambering to get closer when closer was not possible, to feeling whole, complete...loved.

“ _Fuck_ ”, he blurted out.

The pain in his stomach was agonising though he could swear it was not there a second ago when his mind was wandering.  He grit his teeth and shifted left and right.  Another beer would help.

The next morning he woke up feeling stiff all over and cold.  Where was he, why was it so windy?  He turned over and felt the spikes of the hay push into his neck.  He instantly felt sick to his stomach and pushed himself to the edge of the hay where he dry heaved a few times, some spittle falling out of his mouth.

\-----

Johnny tended to talk more to himself in his mind than he had ever remembered doing in the past.  Sometimes his discussions were very logical...reminders of things that needed to be done, thoughts on new things to help the farm, some having come from Gheorghe.  Sometimes the discussions were less logical...he was better off without him, it was never going to have worked anyways, no idea where he is in any case.   The anger towards Gheorghe subsided a little each day, replaced with a litany of convincing himself that he was not at fault, that he should not turn the anger on himself.  Yet, little by little each day he felt himself chipping away at his own defences, taking down the walls that he had built up over nearly 20 years, becoming more introspective than he had ever cared to be.  He seemed unable to stop himself.

Dad finally came back home.  He and Nan had brought him home from the hospital.  Dad had deteriorated some more, but these second strokes were not uncommon and the doctors felt Dad would stabilise.  Dad would need physiotherapy and hopefully would gain back some of his motor skills, but life was going to be permanently different now for all of them.  Johnny had no choice but to face the fact that it was now all up to him, there was no turning back, no hoping for his father to get better.

Johnny felt the world closing in around him in some ways, but also in other ways it felt liberating.  The farm was his for all intents and purposes, even if it was not his legally on paper.  It was going to sink or float on his watch, and there was no one else to blame now.

_Things will have to change, I wanna do things differently, I wanna try and make this work, I think I can make this work._

In the following days he felt a new sense of purpose, and life felt a bit lighter for the moment.  Some of the sheep were responding well to the antiseptic, the days were getting longer and the air warmer.  He dove into his work on the farm with gusto...well that might be a bit of a stretch, but at least with a new found vigour.

He tried to call Gheorghe one day, to tell him about the antiseptic, had gotten his voice mail...had hung up.  Made no sense to leave a message about antiseptic.  He had a hard time understanding why he felt such an urgency to make the call in the first place, it was only about antiseptic.

One evening after a long day, feeling sore all over, tired and his new found vigour deflated a bit, he headed to the refrigerator for a beer.  He leant down to grab the can, but while looking at it he felt suddenly sick to his stomach, that pain that he thought he had gotten rid of came back with a quick vengeance.  He pushed the can of beer back into the door, slammed the refrigerator door closed and headed upstairs.

He undressed and his mind went back to the anger he had felt on the second night after Gheorghe had left.  That night again he had not gone to the pub, had guzzled a few beers in front of the TV, and then had headed out to the caravan, where overcome with emotions completely out of his control, he had trashed the place.  His mind cursing Gheorghe over and over.   It was then he had found the forgotten sweater.  Now, sitting only in his underwear on the side of his bed, he grabbed for Gheorghe’s heavy sweater and after gazing at it as if that would somehow materialise the man, he pulled it over his head and felt the wool slip along his body.  He shuddered slightly as if he could feel Gheorghe’s hands sliding along his back and sides.

_I miss him...no I miss this, the feelings, the warmth.  I can see his hand right here, his thumb pushing through the hole in the sleeve.  But that could be the hand of any bloke._

His mind fought an internal battle, with Gheorghe in one corner and what he thought was his independence in another.  He slumped sideways onto his bed, curling into a ball, hoping the position would ease the pain in his stomach.  He fell asleep like this, having had no dinner, and wrapped in Gheorghe’s sweater.

\-----

It had now been over a week, and while Johnny felt an ongoing purpose in his life...he had even started to jot down some ideas and plans for the farm...he also felt, as each day passed, that he was becoming more and more unmoored.  He could force himself to think about the farm, about future plans, about his father, but any thoughts of how to get there seemed to be floating further away from him.

So while he could go about his daily routine, look efficient, look to be on top of things, it was all just a ploy...inside he was breaking apart, the pain now a constant in his stomach.

“Dad's in bed”, Johnny looked up at Nan as she came back into the room drinking a glass of water.

“You should get some rest, lad”, Nan replied.

“I'm fine. I can cope.”

“You mean, like your dad did?” Nan’s tone of voice firm as usual, but also with a hint of worry.

His mind wandered for a moment to something that never existed, to a life that he only once dared dream of when he asked Gheorghe to stay longer, to maybe stay forever.  He thought it would be sweet.  He quickly pushed the thought aside and forced his attention back to the papers in front of him.

\-----

Over the last ten days, he had not cried once.  He had succumbed to anger towards Gheorghe initially, then towards himself, then to a belief and resignation that this was his life, but maybe because Gheorghe had once been part of his life, even if only for the briefest of moments, he felt that life could be better than it had been, that he could make it better.  But now he struggled on how to make it better, written plans and ideas meant nothing if they could never come to fruition.  Memories of feeling loved, complete and whole meant nothing if there was no chance of them ever being again...in fact he now knew they were the cause of the pain in his stomach, the ache, the never ending ache...the memories of a moment in life where he had felt these things, had lived these things with Gheorghe.

As he lay in the tub, the swirling water draining away between his feet, feeling like it was taking away with it his happiness, his dreams, tears slowly ran down his face, he tasted the salty drops on his lips...he could make the farm work, he could survive, but what was surviving without living.

He dried himself off and went to his room.  After pulling Gheorghe’s sweater over his naked body, he crawled into bed under the blankets.  The soft tears continued until he finally found sleep, his body and mind exhausted by the desperation of it all.

The desperation to make the farm work, to please his Dad and Nan, to feel what he had felt when Gheorghe was beside him...to not be a fuck up...to love and to be loved.

\-----

He woke up early that morning, even before he normally needed to get up.  He lay in bed, not feeling well rested but feeling a new sense of determination.  Gheorghe’s sweater wrapping his body, but now also wrapping his thoughts.  Thoughts that now told him he had one chance, one chance to fix all this.  He had to go and get him, he had to try.  He hated the idea of exposing himself like this, to finding Gheorghe and maybe being rejected, but he also knew the alternative, of going on like he had, was not going to work.  He had to try.

\-----

His father, even after the second stroke, was still keen on holding the reins of the farm.  Johnny tried to let him feel like he still was.  He drove with him one afternoon before tea up to one of the higher pastures.  After getting his Dad settled into his wheelchair, they went and stopped by a large rock which Johnny sat on, his father to his left.  They sat in quietness for a time, watching the landscape.  Finally small talk about what needed to be done, came in broken, forced words from his father.  Johnny was on the cusp of replying what had been achieved when he actually apologised and said things could not continue as they had, that he could make the farm work but he had to try in his own way, and then, with no intention of actually expressing it so clearly, so intimately, he said “ _I’ve got to go get ‘im...I wan’ to go and get ‘im_ ”, the words tumbled out of his mouth like a benediction to his saviour, his father the audience joining in the prayer, but it was more than that.

Johnny knew that the future could not be guaranteed but he also knew that he loved this man from Romania, whatever love actually meant...that he loved Gheorghe, and of all the times in his life he had found himself in a tight corner and took the easy way out, he knew this could not be one of those times.  The truth was there was no easy way out anymore, Gheorghe had shown him something he never knew could exist for himself...he showed him a life worth living, a life worth fighting for.  And while Gheorghe could be seen as Johnny’s saviour in many ways, he felt deep down that maybe he might also be Gheorghe’s saviour in some small way too.  Together they were whole, together two made one.

It was time for Johnny to bring Gheorghe home.

**Author's Note:**

> God's Own Country is one of those truly beautiful stories that can resonate across ages, gender, orientation, etc. Yes, it is a same sex love story, and that should never be understated or white washed away, but many of the elements are universal to us all.
> 
> My mind has though for a long time about pieces of the story that are left untold, and I wanted to explore Johnny during the period when Gheorghe had left, what he went through in his mind during this time. Johnny's character is well defined by Francis Lee and I did not want to stray far from that with regards to any dialogue or actions, but I also feel while this external character is well defined, what his internal character is like is more of an unknown. The coldest, hardest, stone faced individual may have a completely different internal character that does not match what they show outside. I think Johnny may have elements of that, I think he may be much more expressive to himself inside his mind.


End file.
